All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
