Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
