Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
