he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
