So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize