Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
