Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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