dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
