Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
