How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
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I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
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Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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