His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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