I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
