It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
True strength comes from lack of pants
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
