I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
