You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
