I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
