Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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