Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
