I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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