Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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