put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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