I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
