i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
