You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
