so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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