It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
