Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
