I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
