Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
