I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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