having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
