This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
