She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
