I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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