At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
