Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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