When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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