He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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