How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
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This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
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