At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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