Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
