Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
