Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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