if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
