There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Pappa wants mamma naked
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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