When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
