i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
