Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
