i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
