im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.