I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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