Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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