I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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