quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
