the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
