I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
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If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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