Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
