She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
