Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
