Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
