yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
