when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
