I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
